Walking with Believers Through Suffering
Being a part of the local church means being a part of the glory and messiness of the covenant community. Throughout scripture, we are called to love one another, care for one another, provide for one another, and bear with one another. As a matter of fact, a survey of the New Testament will show fifty-nine “one another” statements that give us a picture of the loving, interconnected community that Jesus desires for His people to engage in.
This community exists for the celebrations; weddings, baptisms, births, promotions, and anniversaries. We love one another by joining in celebration over God’s gifts. But, probably more importantly, this community exists for the seasons of sorrow; pain, loss, grief, death, and financial hardship. We cannot choose to reap the benefits of this blessed community while avoiding the pain and suffering that our blood-bought brothers and sisters experience. In a very real sense, every Christian is God’s instrument for care and comfort in the life of another believer. This means that sometimes you will be the one receiving the care, and sometimes you will be the one giving it. But the giving part is not optional.
If you have been a member of a church for any length of time, then you have been given a window into the real pain that people experience in a broken world. For many Christians, the kind of comfort and care that our fellow believers need in these moments comes naturally. For others, especially for those who have yet to walk through terrible tragedy, these opportunities for love and care can be awkward and daunting. For many others, their confidence in approaching these situations is unfounded, and they often do more harm than good in their well-intentioned desire to help.
Suffering Friends
When reading the book of Job, we get a clear picture of bad friendship. Or, at the very least, well-meaning friends doing a bad job. Job was described as “blameless and upright” (Job 1:1). He was a man who feared God and turned from evil. At the behest of Satan, God allows Job to be stricken. In a matter of hours Job lost everything. His livestock, his servants, and his children were dead one after the other (Job 1). Even his response to this suffering was blameless, as he cried out “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21).
Add to that the further torment of a skin disease that left him with sores “from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head” (Job 2:7), and we find Job afflicted with a level of suffering that few of us can imagine. Emotional, relational, and physical grief and suffering plaguing a man who had done no wrong to deserve it. Just when it appears that it couldn’t get any worse, his friends show up for a visit. This is where we get a picture of what not to say in the presence of real pain
Don’t Rush the Process
Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zopher make many common mistakes when meeting with Job, and the first one comes from a place of selfishness and impatience. After seven days of bearing with Job’s pain and sitting with him in his mourning, they try to rush Job to get over his grief and move on. Eliphaz shows his impatience first, opening his monologue by asking “who can keep from speaking?” (Job 4:2). You’ve moaned and complained long enough, Job, time to deal with this and move on.
This first mistake is a common one for all of us. Because it’s not our pain, we often become impatient with how slowly someone else comes to terms with their own. Jobs' friends thought they had the answers, and they were tired of waiting on Job to ask for their advice. They were ready to offer it, ready or not.
Pointing Blame
The second offense offered by the three friends is the mistake of blaming Job for his misfortune. “As I have seen, those who plow iniquity and sow trouble reap the same.” (Job 4:8). The problem with this position is that it is sometimes true. Sometimes people are the cause of their own suffering. The mistake that Eliphaz makes is in assuming that this is always the case. Sometimes, suffering is brought about by the sins of the sufferer, but oftentimes suffering comes as a result of a broken world, sinful people, or God’s mysterious providence. Suffering can be discipline, but it can also just be a part of life.
It is important not to take a legalistic view of suffering. We know that, generally, God rewards those who do good. We also know that God punishes those that do evil. But God also graciously gives good things to evil people (Matthew 5:45), and sometimes tragedy strikes those who are righteous, as is the case for Job.
So, when someone is sick, don’t blame their “lack of faith” for the absence of immediate health. That isn’t the way God works. When someone is grieving, don’t point out what they could have done to help, save, or change the situation. That doesn’t help anyone or change anything. It takes wisdom to know when to rebuke and when to comfort, but our first response should be comfort.
Right Thing, Wrong Time
Maybe the most harmful of all the mistakes in comfort is the error of speaking the right thing at the wrong time. The remaining chapters of Job are loaded with examples of this unhelpful speech. On numerous occasions, Jobs' friends say things that are technically true, but either don’t apply to the situation at hand, or offer no help to Job in his current state. This is the pitfall of many theologically astute believers. Be warned, it is possible to have good theology and be a bad comforter.
Bildad makes a point to show Job that his children got what they deserved, “If your children have sinned against him, he has delivered them into the hand of their transgression.” (Job 8:4) While this statement was probably true (see Job 1:4-5), it is cruel and unhelpful to say it, unprovoked, in the shadow of their death.
Bildad then makes a profound statement about God’s judgment of the wicked, saying, “Indeed, the light of the wicked is put out, and the flame of his fire does not shine.” (Job 18:5). Again, theologically astute, but not when spoken about an innocent man. Sometimes, true statements are better left unsaid. Some common examples of this take place at many funerals today. People will often tell mothers who lost their children that “the Bible says that all things work together for good.” True, but not helpful in the moment. “God appoints a time for everyone to die” may be accurate, but it gives no comfort to the widow mourning the loss of her husband.
It is better to focus on the tender character of God when comforting those who are hurting. Utilizing scriptures like Psalm 34:18, Psalm 22:24, Nahum 1:7, and Romans 8:31-39, scripture can be an instrument for bringing biblical truth to bear on suffering and hardship. When someone you love is grieving the loss of a believer, assuring them of the joy and peace that the deceased loved one is finding in the very presence of Jesus is a biblical truth that they can cling to in their dark moments of grief.
Those who know their Bibles can either be God’s instrument for comfort or Satan’s tool for misery. Be wise when using the truth you know to comfort the people you love.
Loving Comfort
For some of you, you’ve read this far, nodding your head and agreeing with everything you already knew. The big question that still remains is “What do we do when our brother or sister in Christ is hurting?” Surprisingly, the same three friends who gave us fodder for misery give us a small picture of covenant comfort.
Before they began to speak nonsense, and before getting rebuked by God, the three friends did three things that point us to the beauty and simplicity of loving comfort. In Job 2:11-13, Jobs' friends did something simple and remarkable. They came to him when they heard of his suffering, because suffering is only unbearable when alone (Verse 11). They sympathized with his pain and heartache, even shedding tears by his side (Verse 12). Finally, they sat with him until he was ready to speak, probably ensuring that his basic needs were met (Verse 13).
This simple, yet loving demeanor is the beginning of comfort in a covenant community. Put even more simply, being with people in their pain - crying with them, praying with them, and meeting their basic needs - can do more than we often think. You don’t have to be a pastor or theologian to offer comfort to your hurting brothers and sisters, you just have to be willing to patiently love them in their pain. This kind of covenant love sustains us until the day when “death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4).
